It's not necessarily the words you say, but rather the tone, the intent and the physiology you say them with.
I often have clients come to our meetings with issues about "unintentional impact"...saying or doing something and having it perceived in a negative way. One of the things you can do when you're not getting the result you want from your communication is to look at the result you DO get, plus these 4 things:
- Intention: What is the intention of my communication? What is my intended outcome?
- Tone: What is my tone in relaying this message?
- Physiology: What is my physiology in relaying this message? (My body posture, facial expressions, breathing, etc.)
- Words: Did I use the right words? Do I need to say it differently?
- Result: Did I get the result I intended? (Remember, you always get some kind of result, even if it's not the one you expected.)
It's been said that 7% of our communication is in the words, 38% is in the tone and 55% is in the physiology. Most of this can be addressed via intention. And the impact can be addressed by the result you achieve.
Engage like you mean it (in words, tone, physiology and intention) and reap the results...