#ShowingUp with Anese Cavanaugh

Tense? Careful? Don't know what to do? Name it...

I'm experimenting with posting more frequently on this blog. I want to see how it feels to me to write in shorter, unedited clips, and I want to see what kind of response we get. It's an interesting thing to write stuff up, hit send, and have the work go out to cyberspace. Every once in a while I'll have someone send me a note saying they use this information for "self-coaching" or that they share the posts with their teams for discussion - that is great! If you are reading these posts, and care to comment or let me know how you use them - I'd love to hear from you. Otherwise, into cyberspace we go!

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Thought for the day: I've been working with clients all day and have had a couple of interesting themes come up in our calls. One I thought I'd share is one that is so simple, we complexity loving human beings forget to use it more often. Here it is...You know that feeling you get when you're nervous, being "careful", tense, not sure what's bugging you, or just don't know what to do? Think about how it shows up for you. (Tension, babbling, avoidance, jumping to solutions, "I know it all"/"prove it" energy, deflection, lack of eye contact, low energy, amped energy, high blood pressure, etc....Okay, got it? Now think about how it impacts your communication and relationships with others. Just notice.

People sense what's going on for us, even underneath the surface. They feel our energy. They can sense when we're sincere, when we're present, when we're paying attention, or when we're nervous, careful or tense. They feel it. They may not know exactly what it is, but they feel it. What I notice is that when we try to "talk" or "work" around those feelings by rushing or getting the words "just right" - we're skipping over fertile ground for learning, relationship building, and better solutions. Afterall, it doesn't help to fly right past it, and it doesn't really matter how "right" the words are if our energy is off. In fact, this will often result in the individual reading more into the situation because he/she will make up what that "energy" is about - and often misinterpret it (and usually not in a positive way.)

Simple solution? Ready? It's so simple you're going to say either "duh" or "I couldn't do that" - let's see which is true for you...Simple solution? Name it. Name the emotion or tension you're experiencing. Get it out of the way. Use it to build a bridge and break the tension/nerves. "Wow, I'm feeling really anxious about delivering this feedback to you." "Hmmm...I notice I'm feeling really careful about telling you this." "You know, something seems off in our relationship, and I just can't put my finger on it...let's figure it out." "Wow, I really don't know what to do here, what do you think?" When you "name it" - it loses its power and you can actually do something about it together. When you "name it" you actually increase trust and credibilty (even when you say "I don't know") and the end result is more likely to be a better outcome and a stronger relationship along the way.

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